There is the biblical saying that “Love hides a multitude of faults”. Of course, of the author of this saying did not think for a moment that if we love someone, then we are indifferent to the person wallowing in her or his faults. Indeed, that cannot possibly be love. The point rather is that when we love someone we do not allow the person’s shortcomings to overshadow our assessment of the individual. Some shortcomings can be so egregious that they overshadow a person’s love or perhaps call into question that the view that the person actually loves us.
I believe that gratitude is rather like love in this regard: we are indifferent to a person’s faults; and we certainly do not want the individual to wallow in them. Still, these faults are not an impediment to our appreciation the good that the person has done for us. As with love some faults can overshadow whatever good that a person might have done. Thus, if a person were systematically abused sexually by his father, then we would naturally expect this wrong to overshadow the reality that the father was a superb provider.
So gratitude and love are alike in that if the only time either one were warranted is one the object of that gratitude or love is perfect, then no mortal would ever be deserving of either gratitude or love. In particular, parents could never be deserving of the gratitude of their children. For every loving set of parents I know of would confess to having made some not so trivial mistakes with respect to their children. Yet, in every case the children, looking at the overall picture, are enormously grateful to their parents. This is as it should be. After all, imagine a child say, “My problem you, mom and dad, is this: You were not perfect. Indeed, you made a few major mistakes. True you were there for me by and large. And true you made enormous sacrifices for me, as a result of which I am able to enjoy the successes that I now enjoy. Still, the reality is that you were not perfect”. Short of making false accusations or in other ways harming them out right, this is about as mean as a child could towards her or his parents.
It is my considered view that the systematic talk of rights in modern societies has effectively snuffed out the importance of gratitude in society.
Every society can be criticized; and the United States is certainly no exception. But there is something wrong when American citizens are so busy being critical of the United States, if not downright hostile, that there is no longer any room for gratitude in their lives towards the United States. And at the risk being blasphemous, I hold that same regarding various Canadians with respect to the United States.
Imagine a Canadian receiving her or his doctorate thanks to monies from American graduate schools and enjoying a visit abroad thanks to an American serving as the person’s tour guide. In fact, the American made it possible for the person to have an affordable hotel. One might think that such a person would not feel the need to find a small version of the Canadian flag and pin it to the shoulder bag that she or he is using to walk around with, especially while sightseeing with the American who is serving as her or his guide.
For myself, I know that if I were benefiting directly from both the gifts of another country and the goodwill of a citizen from that country, I could manage to live with the possibility of being mistaken for a citizen of that country, especially if a member of that country was making it possible for me to enjoy that country. Why? Precisely because I would be so grateful to that country and the citizen in question.
All my friends in France expect me to say that I was born and raised in the United States. None, however, expect me to be offended if someone should think that I was born and raised in France, instead. And among my friends, not one of them thinks that either France or the United States is perfect.
In his autobiography, Frederic Douglass spoke about the base ingratitude of the slave owners. Why? Because ingratitude is more of a denial of humanity than the absence of whips and chains. The absence of whips and chains can be owing to utter indifference. Ingratitude, on the other hand, has at is source a commitment to denying the good that the other has done.
One of the important contributions of my forthcoming book The Family and the Political Self is, I believe, the observation that patriotism anchored in gratitude is no more about superiority than is family loyalty anchored in gratitude. In the United States, there is so very much to criticize. But, alas, there is so very much for which to be grateful. I would expect the French to say that about their country (France’s faults notwithstanding) and the English to say that about their country (England’s faults notwithstanding). It is meanness—not ignorance—that motivates so many citizens of the United States (and so many citizens of Canada who directly benefit from the U.S.) to think that the United States is the exception here.
