All you need is love ! This sentence is not just the title of one the songs sung by perhaps the most famous group in the history of popular music, namely the Beatles, it also captures the sentiment that many have in society regarding the power of love. The thought seems to be that if we have romantic love for someone, then things will eventually turn out well no matter how great that the differences that divide us might be. In a word, it is said that love conquers all, which was sung by the group Yes.
Among the various refrains that Dr. Laura has consistently sounded on her radio program, the thesis that perhaps stands first among them is that “Love is not enough”.
A call to the Dr. Laura Program might go something like this:
John calls and expresses his undying love for Mary. His only problem is that she is constantly flirting with other men. He has talked with her about this and she knows that this hurts him deeply, but she insists that she does not mean anything by it. She is just having innocent fun. (The story could just as easily go the other way around, with John being the culprit.)
So the caller’s question to Dr. Laura is: What can he do to remedy this situation? Presumably, he wants some potion that he can give Mary or, more realistically, some set of sentences that he can utter to her that will finally get Mary to change her ways.
Invariably, the caller—John in our imaginary example—is stunned when Dr. Laura suggests that perhaps Mary is not the one for him. And the immediate response to that suggestion is “But I love her !”, as if that utterance should suffice to show that Dr. Laura’s suggestion utterly misses the point. I need not to tell you that I think that she is right and he is wrong.
But if Dr. Laura is right, then what happened to the truth of such sayings as “All you need is love” and “Love conquers all”? The answer is poignant in its simplicity. These claims hold only under well-defined circumstances.
(1) Love conquers all only when we have symmetry of respect. And that is absent when, in the name of having innocent fun (of all things) one of the parties to the relationship insists upon doing over and over again that which she or he knows hurts the other.
(2) There has to be the right sort of character and personality compatibility. Let’s change our scenario a bit. Suppose that John’s problem with Mary is that she is a workaholic. He admires her brilliance as a biochemist; he is besotted with her physical beauty; and he adores her no nonsense character. And so on. The problem is that there is not an ounce of spontaneity in their interactions. He has to all but arrange their meetings weeks in advance. I mean the moments that they do spend together are absolutely awesome. The angels sing and so forth. It is just that John wants and needs more time with Mary. But Mary won’t hear of it.
Once again, Dr. Laura would point out to John that perhaps Mary is the wrong woman for him; and that his loving her is not going to change that. After all, Dr. Laura would note, Mary is entitled to be utterly devoted to her work.
Whatever else is true, love does not render mutual respect irrelevant. Nor does love render irrelevant character and personality compatibility.
Little tiny things can be cute. But big things tend to hurt us. In general, it is a little thing if John will only wear pants with pleats in them. Mary does not really care, as she thinks that he looks “hot” no matter what he wears. This is what I shall call a self-contained personality quirk on John’s part. Mary’s self-contained personality quirk might be that if rice is served as a side-dish with a meal, she will always eat most of the rice first before turning to consume the other items on her plate.
We all have self-contained personality quirks of this sort. Mine is dental floss. I don’t floss in the middle of a concert. But there is no chance whatsoever of me running out of it, either at home or in the office.
At any rate, Dr. Laura’s very profound point and it always amazes me that people do not grasp it is the following: The point of dating is for each party to the relationship to determine whether conditions (1) and (2) are satisfied with respect to one another, and not to force someone to behave differently than she or he behaves, given the nature of her or his character and personality.
It isn’t that people do not change. Of course, they do. But the change has to be occasioned internally and not externally. When conditions (1) and (2) are not met, Dr. Laura’s only point is that our love for the other will not suffice to make for a stable and durable romantic relationship—i.e., marriage. More profoundly, she holds that it is a mistake to think that our love for the other will some how effectuate a change on that person’s part. This is not what love is about.
Surely it is not the role of love to coerce others into being different from what they, themselves, have chosen to be. Love at its best inspires. It never coerces.
So what about the sayings “All you need is love” and “Love conquers all”? Well, the answer is quite straightforward. When the love that we have between two people comprises both (1) mutual respect and (2) compatibility of character and personality, then there is very, very little that they cannot overcome together. This is because conditions (1) and (2) are the basis for trust. And love and trust are two very different things, as we know from the familial situation. It can be downright foolish to trust a family member whom we love.
With romantic love, what we need is not just an affirmative answer to the question “Do I love so-and-so?” but also an affirmative answer to the question “Do I, and can I, trust so-and-so?”
Romantic love without trust is but a tragedy waiting to happen, no matter how extraordinary the moments of passion might be. By contrast, where we have romantic love with trust, it is then and only then that we have an anchor that renders secure the precious vessel of romance against the raging storms of life. When trust is absence, the passing of each high tide occasioned by turbulent times is but a reminder of the other’s inadequacies and the disappointments that we have endured with the person. On the other hand, when trust is present, the passing of each high tide from turbulent times serves to re-kindle the love that makes romance at its best so majestic.
Love, for all its power and majesty, needs a foundation. And that foundation is trust. Thus, Dr. Laura is unequivocally right: Love is not enough.
