As just about everyone knows, there is a biblical text that claims it is better to give than to receive. There are many explanations as to why this might be so. For instance, it can be said that giving constitutes a moral power—a way in which individuals can affirm their wherewithal to do good notwithstanding the vicissitudes of life. There is a lot to be said for this view. For it seems to me that a sure indication that a person’s very soul has been vanquished is that the individual is no longer willing to do the good that she or he can do. Worse, the individual no longer even sees the good that she or he can do.
Alas, I think that there is another explanation as to why it is better to give than to receive. For one the most extraordinary indications of what a person is like is how the individual responds to the good that, with purity of heart, one freely does on the individual’s behalf.
For there is no greater indication of that person’s character is lacking than that the individual fails to be moved with appreciation by the good that another with purity of heart has done on her or his behalf.
This is why the gifts of children to their parents prove, at once, to be so powerful and so revealing. The power of such gifts lies in the purity of heart that occasions them. The 6-year old who draws mommy and daddy a tree or a house does so for no other reason than that she wants to do something nice for the two. Ulterior motives, as such, are not operative. The child is not thinking tat this or that picture will get me this or that benefit. The child simply wants to do something nice for mommy and daddy.
In turn, the child’s pure unadulterated affection is precisely what moves the parents. The picture represents a moral majesty that far exceeds anything that the lines on the paper could possibly represent and, thus, is entirely independent of whether the lines are flawless or not. More than anything else, it is the thought that counts.
A child’s efforts represent the purest indication of goodwill precisely because ulterior motives as such are not operative.
As adults, it is easy enough to have well-formed ulterior and multiple motives for our behavior. Indeed, we can sometimes deceive ourselves with regard to our motives. It is easy enough to do something for another in the hopes of getting something in return or because doing so further facilitates future endeavors on our part.
But even with adults, where complexity abounds with respect to motives, it is nonetheless possible to do something for another that equals or sufficiently approximates the purity of goodwill that we find in a child’s act of kindness. And while this may not always be clear, it turns out often enough that such instances are very, very clear. And how a person responds in these instances is perhaps as revealing about a person as anything might be.
You see, even in the world of adulthood with all the complexity of motives that comes with being an adult, there will always be occasions when a person can bestow a good upon us when she or he has nothing whatsoever to gain by doing so or (to go in the other direction) nothing to lose by not doing so.
So if I am the kind of person who treats everything that you do for me as if it were something that you owe me, then you know that I am not a fully decent person, though I should never commit a murder or rob a bank. Then you know that I would not make a good spouse or friend. For no one is entitled to everything good thing that another does for her or him.
It is irrelevant that you can in fact give me all that I want. For that does not make me entitled to it. Accordingly, if you should give me all that I want, then that should occasion an everlasting gratitude on my part towards you.
Gratitude. It is such a simple thing to express. Yet, it means so much and it is indicative of so much. Quite simply, it is indicative of moral decency. Although that sounds ever so strong, it is in fact quite to the point.
Gratitude, after all, is precisely the response that is unquestionably appropriate when we are the object of another’s goodwill. (I was going to saying “genuine goodwill”. But we do not have goodwill in the first place, if it is not genuine.)
And it is striking just how easy it is to express gratitude. Sometimes it comes in the form of a note. Sometimes it comes in the form of a moment of awkwardness as when the person struggles to find some word that will do justice to the moment. Sometimes it comes in the form of a tear or a gallant effort to hold back tears.
I now see that gratitude is one of the most of natural sentiments. No one needs to learn how to express gratitude. To be sure, persons can be wax eloquent in their doing so. But the truth be told, it is very, very rare that we need an eloquent expression of gratitude in order to be profoundly moved by another’s gratitude. In fact, it turns out that some of the most memorable expressions of gratitude are not so much eloquent as they are heartfelt.
Giving, then, is not just a moral power that we have which affirms that we have not been vanquished by evil, it is also a means by which we can discern whether or not another is a decent individual from the standpoint of making a good friend or spouse.
Giving is a way of expending ourselves on behalf of another. Gratitude replenishes. It is in this context that we might understand Frederic Douglass’s words that nothing reminded him more of the evil slavery than the base ingratitude on the part of slaveowners towards the slaves who lovingly cared for the children of the slaveowners.
It goes without saying that a loving commitment to the well-being of one’s child is not something that can be either purchased or commanded. And it constitutes a giving of oneself that is, on conceivable accounts, absolutely extraordinary. The absence of gratitude in a case such as this is a formidable sign of ingratitude—an unequivocally clear indication of moral indecency.
But the point holds with no less force outside of the context of slavery. You want to know just how decent a person is. Watch how the individual generally responds to expressions of pure goodwill towards her or him. And that will invariably tell you all that you need to know. There are no exceptions here. For no one is too low or too high to express gratitude. No one is too lacking in education or too learned to do so. Genuine gratitude bespeaks a fundamental level of decency of character. Its absence bespeaks a fundamental level of indecency. There are no exceptions.
Such is the moral power of giving. It is more of a window unto the soul than most of us would ever imagine—both for ourselves and the person who is the object of our giving. For it is only giving with purity of heart that so sets the stage for determining something ever so profound about the character of the other. Thus, giving at its best requires self-knowledge.
